1 – The Art of…

Her fingers were wet. From the instant she touched the inside, she felt warmth flow through her digits. She exhaled, stroking the edges, fingertips becoming softer and more lax with each movement. As she got more frantic, her breathing became slightly faster, and she pushed her hand in further, releasing the warm fluid in a rapid movement. She sighed, satisfied, and took her hands away. The girl released the now-clean mug where it fell into the washing-up bowl, clattering against other crockery as it sank.

I bet you thought I was writing about something else, didn’t you?

But no. I recently began working at a café. One of my preferred duties is to do the washing up, as it lets me escape the responsibility of competence. With a big tub of dirty mugs, there is no reason for me to talk to anyone. I can simply wash and let my brain simmer.

As I was revelling in my solitude one afternoon, I realised just how erotic the washing of a mug truly is. Perhaps not sexually thrilling – though feel free to ask Rule 34 on that particular enquiry, I for one am not brave enough to – but certainly… comparable.

Let’s start with the overall art of washing a mug. You caress the edges and inside of the china with a cloth, sponge or other soft material. Your fingers wind around the handle, spiral down into the receptacle, and pull out, bringing with them water. The harder you thrust your fist in, the more likely you will feel the squirt of warmth up your wrist.

If we now compare the mug to other pieces of dinnerware, we might again see a connection. A plate, bowl or other open piece is rather less fun to experiment with. They simply require a round-and-round style cleaning pattern and rinse. A glass can give you the same sort of enjoyment as a mug, but it depends on the shape and pattern of the glass. If you have a quick look in your glasses cupboard, you’ll probably see about five or six different styles of glass. But a mug… a mug shares the same qualities as most other mugs. Simple, cylindrical, sort of innocent.

A glass can hold intoxicating alcohol; beers, wines, spirits, all are fair game for a glass. But a mug? No, that would rarely hold any sort of spirit. Mugs are designed for the pleasures of a warm fire, a soft blanket and a loved one cuddled up beside you. Mugs are designed for hot chocolate and coffee, simpler pleasures in life, everyday soothers.

Just as a quiet girl will provide the same sexual pleasure as a loud-and-proud girl, there’s something more alluring about her. It’s seen in every television series – the outwardly sexual and sexy girl that gets the guys’ attentions. But it is the girl at the back, the one hiding behind her stereotype glasses and block fringe, that would be much more fun to experiment with. She would cast aside those specs, sweep her hair over her shoulder, and reveal herself, showing a different and sexy side to her.

It is the same with a mug. The simple cylinders that are always quietly there, sitting on the side or hung up on hooks, simply waiting for their time to come.

Therefore, causing a mug to squirt is infinitely more erotic than causing a glass to do the same thing.

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